I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
