I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
