If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Enjoy the penises
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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