You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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