i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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