Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
