If i come over, it means nothing
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
