Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
