I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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