My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
