I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
