Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
