Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
