I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
