I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
