I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
