well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
