I hate all girls vehemently.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
