Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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