I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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