I wish I could punch you in the face.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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