What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
