I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
