Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
