Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
