Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We got so high we made milksteak
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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