he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You are the jesus of drinking
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
