Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
