so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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