so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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