Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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