Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
