The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
