Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
