Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Randomize
