I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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