Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
