Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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