if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
