Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
