I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
