I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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