I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
