would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
