Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
