Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
