I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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