high people should be assigned attendants
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
