How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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