Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
