I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
