Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
