I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
