I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
